silent shame

This week on JuiceBoxJungle (check the right sidebar for widget) I watched a video entitled "Ashamed to bottlefeed?" My answer is complicated. So here is my breastfeeding story.

Upon checking into the hospital to give birth to my son, the nurse asked me my preference between breastfeeding and bottlefeeding. There was no question in my mind that I would breastfeed my son when he was born.

After giving birth to him, the nurse taught me how to get him to latch on, it was not easy. For those of you who know me in real life, you may want to stop reading right here. The details that follow may be TMI, too much information.

So here I go. Throughout the pregnancy, and even before the pregnancy, I had the misconception that God had blessed me and that I would have a large supply. But apparently size has nothing to do with supply. Anywho, I came to the conclusion in the hospital that having a large chest can actually make it more difficult to breastfeed. In my opinion, not that I have anything to compare my experiences with, the larger you are the more difficult it is to get a good latch because you need to, ahem, support yourself at the same time as supporting a teeny tiny little newborn.

By the end of my recovery in the hospital I was, let me think of the right word, sore! The water from the shower was burning my cracked and sore nipples and lanolin became my new best friend. I could have easily quit but I was determined to make breastfeeding work for me and for Nathan. The nipple shield provided by the nurse did show some promise but never really solved the problem. Down the road I found products that made breastfeeding easier. The Boppy is an all around good product with so many different uses. I also used a Breast Pillow {don't laugh}, I thought I would invent this product but discovered after researching online that it already existed.

Breastfeeding Obstacle #1 - Artificial Nipples

I never devised a birth plan but, in retrospect, I should have. Me informing the nurse that Nathan would be exclusively breastfed and not bottlefed did not stop her from supplementing with a bottle of glucose water and a pacifier while he was in the nursery. I did not see this happen but found out when he was brought to me with the half used bottle of sterile glucose water and pacifier in his mouth. He was required to stay in the nursery because he was born with premature atrial contractions and was attached to a heart monitor. The nurses would bring him to me every few hours to nurse.

After leaving the hospital and arriving home, I was a 24 hour milk machine. Change Diaper, Breastfeed, Nap, Repeat.

Breastfeeding Obstacle #2 - Sleepy Newborn

I had a difficult time nursing Nathan in the beginning because newborn babies are so sleepy and breastfeeding is so comforting. I read books about how to train your baby to sleep by feeding him on a schedule and was given the advice to offer feedings every 3 hours. I woke Nathan up to feed him and he would fall right back to sleep. We were told to undress him, wipe his face with wet cloths, flick his feet, whatever it took to keep him alert enough to eat. Now that I think about it, this was all so ridiculous! I will never wake a sleeping baby ever again. A hungry baby will eat!

I think the doctor's visits during the first month just added stress. Nathan's weight was dropping closer and closer to the 5th percentile and his pediatrician was making me feel like I wasn't feeding him enough. Now I know the reason was Cystic Fibrosis and not my breast milk.

Breastfeeding Obstacle #3 - Not knowing how to discreetly breastfeed in public

Discrete breastfeeding is not something that comes natural, it requires practice and must be learned. During that first month, as Nathan was failing to thrive, eyebrows were being raised and testing for Cystic Fibrosis began. I spent hours in uncomfortable public places, laboratories, and exam rooms at the hospital. I was still just learning how to breastfeed and now I had to do it in front of the world. I ended up feeding him in the car after allowing him to get irritable during lengthy visits with doctors.

Breastfeeding Obstacle #4 - Pancreatic enzymes and Cystic Fibrosis

When Nathan was one month old, he was officially diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis and breastfeeding became even more difficult. Now I was required to administer pancreatic enzymes with every feeding. What used to be a simple whip it out and let him eat turned into a huge feeding ordeal.

Step 1 - Make a trip to the kitchen. Grab the applesauce out of the refridgerator, a baby spoon out of the drawer, and the medicine bottle off the counter.

Step 2 - Open enzyme capsule onto a spoonful of applesauce and administer to one month old son.

Step 3 - Whip it out and let him eat.

Step 4 - Repeat Steps 2 and 3 when switching sides or when feeding continues longer than 20 minutes.

Just one more thing to disrupt the enjoyment of mommy and baby feeding time.

After that first month, we began introducing an occasional bottle of expressed breast milk for Jay to share feedings. At first, I thought bottlefeeding was so much easier in terms of CF. I was able to hold the bottle with one hand while preparing the medication with my other hand. I was able to comfortably feed him during our visits to the hospital. But then I had to pump in addition to breastfeeding and all my other newly acquired duties as a CF caregiver. I couldn't just be mommy and enjoy my new baby, I had a job to keep him healthy first and foremost.

Nathan became increasingly used to the ease of the bottle and by 6 months old Nathan flat out refused to nurse. Each time I attempted to nurse him it was as if I was torturing him. He screamed and arched his back and head. This was torturing me. I wanted to make breastfeeding work so badly but the cards were not stacked in my favor. I have learned so much from my first experience with breastfeeding and will know how to avoid and possibly overcome many of the obstacles I initially experienced.

Note to self for future children: No artificial nipples {bottles}, Avoid pumping and use only for the purpose of increasing supply {it is no fun}, Learn how to feel comfortable breastfeeding in public {ignore stares, it is not a sexual act}, Breastfeed as often as baby wants, Never wake a sleeping baby.

I do not feel ashamed to have bottlefed Nathan since I did succeed in breastfeeding him for the first 6 months. I do continue to wish we would have succeeded longer with breastfeeding but there is always next time!