I'm starting this post off without a title because I feel like I have something to say but I am not sure what it is. I guess "stream of consciousness" would be most appropriate because I do not want to be confined to one topic, nor do I think my brain is capable of staying on track at the moment. The past five weeks have been a whirlwind. It's all good but I have too much going on and I feel like I am dropping the ball at times.
I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because I know our family has just gone through an enormous adjustment and to be honest we are doing incredibly well. We have amazing support from our family and I feel like my patience has tripled since first becoming a mom in 2008. When Nathan was a newborn, I couldn't handle any amount of crying but now I know that as long as I am taking care of Piper's biological needs, everything will be ok.
Piper cries alot during the day even in my arms and when she falls asleep she will begin to fuss as soon as I start multitasking. I wonder if maybe it's my fault she is fussy. Maybe her latch isn't right and she is sucking in air and I'm too preoccupied to notice. If I wear her in a wrap it is definitely easier to bounce, sway, or pat her when she begins to fuss but it is still difficult to get anything done during the day. And I'm definitely going to need to be making some extra money so I can pay a chiropractor to take care of my back because of this. When she is not in a wrap, she is always in the same arm, over the same shoulder and my neck and back are not appreciative.
I don't choose to post on social media about how miserable she is during her waking hours. I also don't go around pretending she is a perfect little baby. This is just my reality and I don't want to be seen as a supermom (nor do I want to be one) because to be quite honest, I don't have it all together. I know certain things can wait - an untidy house can wait, laundry can wait. But the eye opener this week was the day when I didn't eat anything until almost one o'clock and I didn't eat anything else until after nine o'clock at night. The same goes for keeping hydrated. Not to mention the fact that I didn't brush my teeth or shower at all that day. Forgetting to take care of myself, forgetting to take my medications and vitamins, forgetting to feed myself nutritious food or any food for that matter, this is the problem.
My husband and I are hustlers. We have to be. We need to jump on any opportunity that presents itself no matter what it is. Being in debt is overwhelming and stressful no matter the specifics of who we owe money to and how much money we owe. I took time off from photography last year because I was dropping the ball on communicating with clients. I was overwhelmed with all that was going on with Nathan in school and spent all of my time fighting to get him what he needed and dealing with all the incident reports, detentions,and suspensions because he wasn't having his needs met. I saved the sealed envelope with the uncashed check from the client I lost in 2014 as a reminder. I received this deposit in the mail and never opened the envelope, for over a month. It was a session that could have paid back many debts and when I occasionally come across this envelope I get angry with myself. When the client emailed saying they booked another photographer, I responded that I completely understood.
My husband has been in this position as well. When an opportunity to make money arises, he accepts. But since we are so busy just trying to survive he will sometimes forget to bill a client for computer repairs or IT work.
I'm taking it one day at a time. And to be perfectly honest, this is the last thing I should be doing at the moment. I should be taking advantage of this hour before Teagan gets out of preschool to work on some freelance photo editing, or to hang the diapers, or to drink some water, or even brush my teeth. But I needed to let this out because as I look around my house I see everything I am not doing and I am not giving myself any credit for what I am doing. I've been hustling all week and neglecting so much.
I see a Cub Scout uniform that has been needing patches sewn on since Christmas which makes me think of the at home Cub Scout projects we haven't even begun. I see Nathan's prescriptions on the counter which reminds me that I need to reorder his medications. I see five cases of Pediasure 1.5 in the middle of my foyer sitting in the same spot since delivery last week. I see a basket full of fabric, yarn, and sweater scraps that I've been meaning to do something with to make money on esty. I see our dining room table covered in papers that need to be dealt with and think of how I've been wanting to go food shopping so I could make a dinner we can enjoy as a family at this table. I could go on.
But right now, I am going to enjoy the few minutes of quiet before the fussing and crying recommences...which has already happened since uploading this photo.
Now back to the grind.